Monday 16 February 2015

Community and whether to go back to work or not

Why is it that being a full time parent is under-valued in our first world society?  This is a topic which puzzles me and some of my full time parent friends, and we feel an obligation to correct the perception that we are not "doing" anything if we are not in paid work.  We are doing a great deal.  The dishes still need to be washed, or the dishwasher loaded.  Clothes still need to be washed. Food still needs to be gathered, and cooked.  Children's teachers need to be consulted about various hiccups in our children's school years.  Chickens and dogs and the garden need to be maintained.

In some of my circles full time parenting is valued and affirmed, but I certainly feel undervalued by some of the other people I come into contact with.  A comment I often hear is "Oh you're lucky that you don't have to work."  Actually it's not luck in my case, it's planning.  My husband and I intentionally bought a small house that we could afford to pay for with one income.  Small kids don't take up much room (even if their paraphernalia takes up lots of room) so it's only become apparent recently that we are starting to be all on top of each other.  Our house is not glamorous, but we don't care.  It's small, but that has advantages too.  When the kids were younger, I could keep tabs on them regardless of where they were in the house.  I still can ("WHY are you still playing on that iPOD!!!)

One friend, who worked briefly as a nurse before marrying young and having 4 children, has only one child left at home, and even that child will soon leave the nest.  She has said many a time that she hasn't "done anything" in her life, and now that her children can care for themselves, she has nothing to do.  This is a prime example of the failure of our society (or, at least, the parts of our society that have surrounded her in the last 30 years) to appreciate, encourage, and value full-time parents.  There is little monetary reward, although we appreciate greatly the family assistance of various forms given by the Australian Federal Government.  I have responded to my friend's claim that she hasn't achieved anything in her life with what I see as the truth - she has raised 4 children who are now balanced and functional adults, nice most of the time, and are making their own way in the world.  This is the main part of our job as parents, is to equip our children to survive, and thrive, in the world we live in.  What she has done over 30 years will have a greater positive impact on the world that what many people may achieve in their entire lifetime.  It has value that cannot be easily quantified, especially in the early years of our children's lives.  The work that we are doing in preparing them to be functioning adults cannot be easily measured or appreciated.

My husband and I see great value in what I am doing, but I often feel like I have to justify to people that I don't engage in paid work outside the home.  By saying this I'm not criticizing those parents who chose to work.  Many women will tell you with certainty that the time they spend in the adult world makes them better parents when they are at home with their children.  For some there is a financial imperative to work.

The thing is, why can't it just be a choice, and that's that?  Why do we feel the need to justify ourselves, whether we do paid work or not?  As women, we seem to feel that we have to justify whatever we do.  If we work, especially full time, we heap upon ourselves the guilt of having our children in childcare, or in after school care, or even feel guilty if our generous parents are filling in the after school hours with our children, at no cost to ourselves.

When I meet my girlfriends for coffee, we're not just lazing around drinking coffee and yakking.  We're building and maintaining our community.  It might be hard for our husbands to make sense of (especially those husbands who are "human doings" rather than "human beings") but it's vital.  When there's a crisis or an illness in a family, who do you think picks up that family's children from school, and makes a few meals, and comes over and does a load of washing or cleans their house?  Their community.  A friend has recently had an operation and cannot drive for 6 weeks.  Who is taking her and her small child to and from school every day?  Her community.

It's very challenging to feel like you belong to a school community if you work full time and literally never get to school, you only interact with the before and after school care service.  I really admire parents who both work full time, I don't know how they do it, and keep a foot in their children's school community as well.  If both parents still have living parents who are able and willing to help out with care of their children then that is wonderful, but that is not the case for many families I know.  Some have emigrated from other countries and have no family at hand.

I am likely to get on my soap box again about this, as I feel very strongly about it.  What I do in being a full time parent IS valuable.  It might not earn me any money in the short term, but the rewards will be far into the future.

I am choosing to be a full time parent with my children.  Other women choose to work part time or full time.  Both of these things are choices, and are OK.  There should be no justification.  We need not base our identity on these things.